Yesterday I had the great pleasure of catching up with a friend of mine from work . She has a lot on her plate – she has three babies under the age of two (an almost two year old daughter and two month old twins!). She is amazingly together, I don’t know how she does it, but she seems really calm and collected.
We were discussing my blog and I asked what she would like to read about. She asked a really good question, how do you be a Mum without losing who you are?
So lets see if we can help her out.
I think the short answer is Core Desired Feelings, and the need to stay connected. To yourself, to what’s important to you, and to others. More about that later.
Firstly and most importantly, i think you need to be kind to yourself. This particular Mum is very early on in her journey as second time Mum, and it takes time just to figure out how to keep the family alive each day! It is hard enough adding one baby to the family’s existing structure and routine, so I have no idea how she is managing with twins! When the baby/babies are little, I think it’s really important to not expect too much from yourself. Allow yourself time and space to get to know these gorgeous new little souls, and work out how each of you fit into this new world.
I honestly think that when you become a mother and primary care giver for small children, something shifts inside of you. Rather than think about it as not losing yourself, i found it more to be about finding out who i am now in this new reality. When we become a mother, we tend to step out of our masculine energy (the part of us that is career driven, always on the go) and are forced to stop, and either embrace or resist our feminine energy. The magic happens when we can learn to embrace this time, enjoy it for what it is, and work this new role into our existing beliefs about who we are. When we lean into the softness, become more gentle, that we can truly find out who we are.
There are lots of ways to connect with who you are at this time in your life. The best way I have found is to just slow down. Slow down and meditate. It doesn’t have to be full on either, I started with three minute meditations three times a day. With that stillness comes clarity. The quiet allows our intuition a chance to be heard. And in a funny twist of fate, by slowing down, I have discovered that I am actually able to do more. Being in the moment, giving whatever it is that I’m doing m full attention, means that I do a better job at whatever I am turning my attention to.
The stillness and quiet allows you to figure out what is important to you. Who you were before the babies came along, is still who you are now. You are still in there, just a lot busier now with another, very important role. Our Core Desired Feelings tend to stay stable across time and circumstance. What drives you? What are the things that are important to you now? How do you want to feel every day, and what can you do to achieve those feelings? What you can manage each day will look different depending on where you are in the motherhood journey.
Once the dust settles, and I promise, it will settle, then you can give yourself the space to claim back a little of yourself. I think it is an incremental process. Start off with small things, like a cup of tea out in the garden when the babies are sleeping. Or a long, guilt free shower. Gradually, as things get easier, you are able to claim more time for yourself. Give yourself one morning/night a week to do something you love – go for coffee with a friend, go to the gym or for a walk, get your nails done, read a book at the library, do some painting, or do whatever it is that lights you up inside when you have an hour to spare.
An important part of maintaining that sense of self when you have small children (and always!), is staying connected to other people. Sometimes, as a stay at home parent, it can be lonely and isolating. Some days it feels like too much hard work to go out and see people or have people over at your place. And that’s ok. But they key to happiness is creating and maintaining quality relationships with people. So, my advice would be to make time to spend with those who connect you to who you are in your various roles in life – join a mothers group, catch up with your awesome former workmates (who don’t mind if you are in your pjs and haven’t showered for a week!), have your girl friends around for arvo tea. It is hard to always catch up in person, so maybe part of your “me time” each week could be an hour where you get to lock yourself away in your bedroom and have a good chat on the phone to a close friend. Or set up a “update email group” where a group of related people (friends, co-workers, family, mothers group etc) send short regular updates on what you have been up to. I have stolen this idea from Gretchen Rubin and Elizabeth Craft (sisters who host the Happier podcast), who have this system in their family. They came up with the idea after realizing that they have more to talk about when they finally are able to catch up in person if they know what has been happening in each other’s every day lives. There is no expectation to reply to the emails unless you want to, and they are supposed to be short. I imagine the same idea could work on Snapchat, or set up a Facebook group and use the messaging feature.
My last piece of advice my friend would be to accept offers of help. People want to help you, so take them up on their offers. Let them come and enjoy snuggles with the babies and use that time to do something to refresh and recharge you. Take a shower, a walk or a nap, hang out the washing (or let your friend do it for you), so you score some bonus free time later in the day.
So what do you all think, dear readers? Do you have any ideas for how my friend can stay connected to her former self? What worked for you or what do you wish you had done differently? Comment below – you never know, yours may be the idea that is right for her. And it might make her, or other Mums feel a little less alone.
Until next time,
PS – if you are looking for a great program to help you reconnect with who you are, I can recommend the Reconnect Program run by Amy Taylor-Kabbaz of Happymama.com.au Details of the program are at http://happymama.com.au/programs/reconnect-program/
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Happy new year!
I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year
like I did. I have had a wonderful
couple of weeks balancing my love of teaching Pilates with spending cherished
time with my husband and children. We
managed to pack a lot of fun into the last few weeks around the extra shifts I
did and I am refreshed and ready to go for 2017.
It seems a bit weird talking about New Year now at the end
of January doesn’t it? I guess it feels
a bit more like New Year now for me though, and many others I’m guessing. Over the weekend it was the first New Moon of
the year, Chinese New Year, and the kids all go back to school this week. It signifies an end to summer holidays and
the beginning of getting back into a routine for the year.
Do you set New Years Resolutions each year? I’m not usually one to do it, and if I do it
is something trivial. I am also not
generally one to sit down and right out a list of goals, life plans or anything
like that. However, this year, things
have been a little different. I have
drawn inspiration from a number of sources including Danielle LaPorte’s Goals with Soul
course, Hal Elrod’s Level 10 Life
concept, and Amy Taylor-Kabbaz’s Mission Statement for 2017.
What drew me to each of these (and other
similar ideas) was the focus on how I want to feel in my life. Rather than being a big list of things to do,
the idea is to challenge myself to move closer towards the Core Desired
Feelings in all that I do, and use those feelings as a guide for what I want to
do/achieve. I’ve spent a fair bit of
time thinking about how I want my life to be this year, and this is what I’ve
come up with:
If I had to summarise how I would like my year
to be this year, these words come to mind- Energised, Intentional/on purpose,
nourish, action, intuition, sensual (as in living with all my five senses fully
alive), colourful, action, dream, learn, inspired, finish/complete, challenge,
My Core Desired Feelings are Creative, Calm, Connected, and Divine
Feminine. Creative Calm Connected seem to be working really well for me
since I settled on them last year. But I
felt there was something else missing. I
feel like I’m at the beginning of a new cycle in life, and it turns out that some
people believe that 2017 is the beginning of a new nine year cycle. The past cycle for me was pretty much about
us having our family, and now that our little family is complete, I feel ready
to take on new challenges, to focus on new things (including of course spending
time with and raising our beautiful kids) and broadening my role. Now that I am a Mum I have felt the need to
slow down a little, become more childlike in some ways in that I want to be
more present in each and every moment.
And I also want to connect better with the softer, feminine side of who
I am. At the moment I am drawn to be
home, focussed on the children, spending time with those I am closely connected
with emotionally, and embracing my creative side. I’m less about the deadlines and career
ladder climbing, and more about nurturing.
Embracing the divine feminine for me is about allowing myself to be
softer, listening to my intuition, being creative, feeling beautiful, slowing
down, feeling joy and love.
I don’t want to feel just content with
life. I want to be energised and
thrilled by it. I want to wake up each
day and jump out of bed with excitement for what the day will bring.
I want to live more with intention. Making sure that I am making the most of
every minute, deciding how I will spend my time based on what my family and I
I want to tap into my intuition and allow it to
guide me and influence decisions more than just being logical and ruled by my
head. Getting more of a balance between
head and heart I suppose.
I have also decided that this is going to be the
year of the “challenge”. I seem to be
better able to manage habit change when there is a reason for the change, e.g. a
30 day challenge. So, this year I am
going to have a go at a few and see if I can kick start some good change. The first one is the 30 Days Of You Challenge
that I started last Thursday, which is focusing on the mind, body and spirit
and getting us focused and prepared for the year ahead. I will write about
other challenges as they come up, but some ideas I’ve come across and am
interested in are
o The Modern Mrs Darcy 2017 Reading Challenge
– there are actually two challenges to choose from – one if you want to be reading
for fun, and one for reading for growth, or you could do both. I plan to do both over the course of the
year. The idea is you pick books based
on a number of categories within the challenge.
This idea is appealing to me because I have felt stuck in a bit of a
reading rut lately, always picking the same type of books. Hopefully this challenge will inspire some
diversity in my reading.
Hal Elrod’s 30 Day Miracle Morning Challenge
on the principles outlined in The Miracle
the 30 day challenge could be a great way for me to kick start some
positive morning routines.
An alcohol free month – eg dry July/Octsober
I have been inspired by a couple of quotes
lately from podcasts lately and I thought they could almost be like little
motto’s or mantras for me this year:
The first one was Danielle LaPorte in a podcast
I listened featuring her and she was discussing the importance of saying no to
others so that you have room to say yes to yourself and what you
want/need. She said to listen to your
instincts when someone asks you to go somewhere/do something. “If it’s not a HELL YES¸ then it’s a no.”
The other one is from Gretchen Rubin’s podcast, HappJhHappier HApppHHHHhhhhahahHHapppier Happier, where she said a recent
philosophy of hers is “if you cant get
out of it, get into it”. The idea being, if there is something that you have to do, but are not really wanting to, it will probably be better for you and all involved if you just let go and decide to really make the most of it. I like this idea. A change in your attitude to something is sometimes all you need to make it much more enjoyable.
I would love to hear from you about your
resolutions/goals/plans for the year. Did you make any new years resolutions? How are you going with them so far? Do
you have any ideas for other challenges I should undertake? Would you like to do any of the challenges
with me? I would love to hear your
thoughts so make sure you comment below.
Until next time,
I hope you all have a magical Christmas and make some treasured memories with your loved ones in the coming days.
Thankyou all for taking the time to read my blog. I appreciate each and every one of you. You have made my dreams come true this year, so THANKYOU xx
I might take a little break for a week or so and spend some much needed time with my husband and babies. I hope you will be doing the same.
Until next time, I hope Santa is good to you
Love E xx
This time of year is crazy for everyone. I am proud of myself this year, I managed to get all my shopping for Christmas done (with the exception of one gift) before my son finished school. Once that was done, I felt an enormous weight lift off of me.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that our kids will have a good Christmas. Now I can rest easy in the knowledge that they will. We just need to organise the food for Christmas day and everything will be done.
Yesterday I woke with a sore throat, my son woke up feeling unwell, and my daughter slept in. I am getting much better at listening to signals from the Universe. This week, we need to slow down. We need to give ourselves time to relax and rejuvenate after the craziness that was 2016. It has been a big year in our house. Busy, full of milestones, lots of good times and happy memories. But it has left us a bit exhausted.
This week, the first gift I am giving my children and myself for Christmas is to slow down. We are enjoying a few lazy days at home, without being super scheduled. We are sleeping until we wake up, having lazy breakfasts and enjoying spending time at home just doing what we enjoy doing when we have some time for ourselves. I have also been pottering around doing some of those nagging things that are on my “important but not urgent” list. Those jobs that once they are done make me feel so much better.
Most of all I am enjoying this special time by being with the kids and not stressing that I’ve started 10,00 things today and finished none of them! By giving them my full attention when they seek it. By playing with them. Watching telly together. Singing songs and Christmas carols and dancing. And it feels so freeing. So happy. These are the moments I treasure. I am noticing the good in things much more this week, the lovely manners, sneaking glimpses of the children playing together or having a snuggle on the couch while they watch TV. Enjoying the delight of my daughter at having he brother home during the day. And, as always, it seems that what I focus on attracts more. More laughs, more cuddles, more good manners, more good behaviour. More positives.
I am so grateful to have this opportunity to reconnect before the year ends. I am looking forward to sitting down in the coming weeks to set some intentions and goals for the new year (there will be a post on that sometime soon). I feel like taking this time to slow down and literally smell the roses puts me in a really good place to end 2016 the way I want to. Focused on my family and connection with others.
I leave you with this thought from Rubin: “Once she stopped rushing through life, she was amazed how much more life she had time for”. I hope that you all get some peace during this holiday season. Breathe in those close to you and snuggle them hard.
Until next time,
December 18 is a day that will never be the same in our house again. It is the day that should have been our little baby boy’s birthday. Today he would have turned three if he had made it through the pregnancy.
On this day in particular each year, I give myself permission to withdraw, feel the hurt, and ride the wave of grief that never goes away but I suppress because that’s what my family and I need in order to live our lives. We need to live. We need to make the most of every day. We owe it to Daniel and his big sister Hannah and the one that went before them to make the most of every day. Because we got to stay and they didn’t. We get the chance to live each day and they didn’t.
But, I always feel the emptiness that was their place in my heart. It will never leave me, nor do I want it to. I never want to forget them. Nobody knew them like me. Nobody felt their little legs kicking other than me. We had hopes and dreams for their futures and imagined them living in our lives with us.
So for their birthdays and anniversary’s I allow myself the luxury of grief. I feel the pain. I acknowledge all that could have been but is not. I pray for them, I feel their presence, I sleep with their special blankets. I allow myself these special days to love them like a Mother can and should love her babies.
Because that is what they were, are, and always will be to me.
Happy 3rd birthday Daniel.
We love you always and miss you so much that my heart breaks again every day.
About four months ago, I had the privilege of meeting a kind
lady who would teach me so much in a short amount of time. Today her family farewelled her from this
world as she lost her long drawn out battle with cancer.
I have been sitting here tonight thinking of her after I was
told of her passing, and wondering how it is possible for someone to make such
a mark on you after such a short time.
In those few short months, I saw her once a week, when she was well
enough to meet me for some gentle exercise.
In those few short months, she taught me so much.
I must admit, I had selfish reservations about getting to
know someone who I knew had a terminal illness.
I didn’t want to get close, because I knew this day would come. I wanted to protect myself from the hurt that
comes from losing someone who inspired you or taught you something important
about yourself. Tonight though, as I sit
here, thinking of the gentle soul that now flies with the angels, I feel humble
that she gave those hours to me in the last months of her life.
I feel grateful that she taught me what a great honour it is
to serve. To be able to contribute
something positive to someone who is fighting so hard. To be touched by her positivity, her grace
and her courage.
She never complained.
She was in pain, suffering through horrible treatments but never once said
anything negative about her situation.
Faced with her own mortality, she bought joy and light to those she saw
at that same time each week. She lifted
us up without even trying (or maybe she was trying very hard to do it, but it
She showed me what it is to live with grace.
I hope that she enjoyed her time with me. That after our sessions she felt more able to
enjoy her day.
In thinking of her I am wondering what others might feel
about me when I pass. I hope that in
some way I am able to light someone else up inside the way she did for me. We have a lifetime of small, simple, every
day moments that we need to make the most of.
Everyday moments that you might think mean nothing to those around you
but might actually be having a profound effect.
For all of us, those moments are running out. And we don’t know when our time will
We are only guaranteed right now.
So tonight Lea, I raise my glass to you. I thank you for the time you shared with
me. I thank you for the lessons you taught
me. I wish you peace.