A note to my children
Do you ever have those moments where you think that you couldn’t possibly love another human being more than you do right now? I have them, often. Particularly with my children.
I used to worry, when I was pregnant with our daughter, that I couldn’t possibly love another child as much as I love our son. I could not comprehend how it could be possible to be filled with any more love than I already contained.
I needn’t have worried. She arrived, and my heart exploded. Rather than taking a piece of my son’s love away from him, my heart grew even bigger to have enough for both of them.
After that, it was hard to imagine ever loving them even more than I did then.
But I can. And I do.
I often have these moments where time stands still and I breathe them in. I am in awe of something they have said, or done, or a look on their face, or a gesture. And I feel my heart explode again.
Like when my daughter’s little hand reaches out for mine as we are walking along.
Like when my son snuggles into me as I read him a story at bed time.
Like when I catch them talking and playing together when they don’t know I’m watching.
When my son and I get to spend some time together, just the two of us, and we talk and I am in awe of how grown up he is becoming. He’s not a little boy anymore, but someone to have interesting and thoughtful conversations with.
When I watch them running down the beach to play in the waves and I soak in the shrieks of delight.
When my son looks at me like I have ruined his life for kissing him on the head before school – because I’ve mucked up his specially gelled hairdo.
When I catch our daughter lost in the world of dance, the music moving her in a way that is deep in her soul.
When I breathe them in as they fall asleep, drinking in the beauty of their perfectly shaped eyebrows and long, dark eyelashes. Hoping, in that moment, that each child eventually chooses a life partner who looks at them the same way I am doing now, with all the love and all the feelings of closeness.
So, my dear babies, please know that even though I am not the perfect Mum, even though I yell sometimes and lose my cool. Even though I hurry you up, or sometimes seem distracted, I love you more than you could ever imagine.
More than I could ever imagine.
And I just can’t stop my heart from exploding.